From the same book.
A visiting minister offered the opening prayer: " Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, " without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl( who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little voice:
" Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.........
A women went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. " What denomination?" askd the clerk. " oh good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the women. " Well give me fifty Catholic and fifty Baptist ones."
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farm house and a farmer gave them some gasoline, but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a protestant minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window, and said, " Excuse me sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith!"
There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome, and the tireless.
Anonymous
Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect you wouldn't belong.
Msgr.
Joseph P. Dooley
Honest critisism is hard to take, particularily from a relative, a friend, an aquaintance, or a stranger.--
Franklin P. Jones
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
I have an older aunt who has been married four times-- first to a banker, then an entertainer, a preacher, and a funeral director. When asked why she had married that many times and to such a diverse mix of men, she had a great reply. " One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
Dan Clark
My husband gave me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
Anonymous
Laugh! It's good for you. Have a great day everyone.
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9 comments:
That made me laugh, thanks Doug, I need a good laugh today :)
Love the "butt dust" one!
I think one good joke deserves another:
Henry and Matilda went to the same summer resort every year for their vacation. One of the attractions of this place, for them, was an amusement park nearby. The main feature in the amusement area was an helicopter ride. Ten minutes for 50 bucks. Every year Henry and Matilda would stand by the helicopter pad to watch and every year Henry would try to talk Matilda into going up--- and every year Matilda would drag him away, exclaiming, " Henry, it's too expensive: we can't afford it: fifty bucks is fifty bucks ".
One year, again, they were beside the heli pad and Henry said to Matilda: " Matilda, I'm 85 years old and if I don't get up in the helicopter this year, I may never have another chance " To which Matilda replied: " Henry, it's too expensive: we can't afford it: fifty bucks is fifty bucks ". The pilot over heard their conversation and being very enterprising, came over and said: " I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you up and if neither one of you says a word while we are in the air, the ride is for free---BUT----if you say one word, the charge is a hundred bucks" Henry and Matilda looked at each other and nodded their assent to the offer.
Up they went and the pilot being the promoter that he was, started to swing the aircraft from side to side: did loop-d-loops and swung the plane all over the sky for ten minutes---not a peep out of the two passengers. When they landed the pilot said to Henry: " Boy! I take my hat off to you. I don't know how you kept your mouth shut during all those manoeuvers ". To which Henry replied: " Well, I was gonna say something when Matilda fell out---BUT----100 bucks is a 100 bucks ".
that one made me chuckle Don_g! Nice one!
lol That's a good one! Thank God for Readers Digest. I like the jokes in there too.
Just for the record, that joke didn't come to me from Reader's Digest. It was on the placemat at Knox Presbyterian Church the last time we went there for breakfast.
I saw it in readers digest. I guess Knox got it from there.
Well,OK, here's one that I did read from RD.
The old farmer was having problems with his hens producing eggs so, he figured his rooster wasn't producing like he used to and decided to replace him. The new cock was a magnificent creature: tall, heavy, full-feathered with a strut like a peacock. He wandered all through the pen and into the hen house where he found the old rooster in a back corner among the hens. He strolled up to the group and said: " Look buddy, I'm in charge around here now, so you better get your backside out of this hen house before I rip every feather out of your scrawny tail".
"Wait a minute, said the old cock: let's settle this in a fair manner: I don't really want to fight,but, if you force me, I'll rip you from craw to tail. Let's settle it with a race. We'll run three times around the farmhouse and the winner takes charge". "Sounds fair, said the young cock: you haven't got a chance: I can beat you claws down".
With that, the old rooster took off: through the henhouse, out the door, across the chicken pen, over the fence, across the lawn, along the east side of the house, down the back, turned to the west side with the young cock right on his tail, turned again along the front of the house where the old farmer sat on the porch with his shot gun across his knees. When he saw this situation, up comes the gun and BAM-BAM !---- the new rooster explodes in a cloud of feathers. Then, he turns to his wife sitting in her rocking chair beside him and says:
" Dag-nabbit Ellie, I gotta have a word with them thar' folks down at the Co-Op: that's the third homo rooster they've sent me this week ".
Moral of the story - it takes experience to survive.
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